A Day in the Life of a Psychotic Housewife

Small Towns

2005-09-07T13:21:00.000-07:00

Small towns. What the fuck? We moved to this very small town from a huge suburban area 2 years ago. Usually I love it. I don't have any close neighbors. When they have a parade, the whole town shows up and I know or have at least seen most of them. I can let my kids wander unattended at the grocery store and at sporting events. But then I also have no anonymity. I was buying a High Times the other day, only because it had Willie Nelson on the cover and my husband is a huge music fan and of course one of my daughter's friend's dad had to walk up behind me. So now I'm certain the whole town knows. First the stalking thing, now this. I also have a habit of saying really odd things to people. They make sense to me or are really funny but then the person just stares at me like they totally have no idea. And I've just said it like it was something everyone should get. And they don't. So then I come off sounding either condescending or crazy. So next time, they just say hi and keep on truckin'. I assume too much. I give people way more credit than they obviously deserve. Well, I always aspired to being the town "crazy lady". I was kind of saving it for retirement but hell, I could be dead tomorrow. Knock wood. No seriously, knock wood.

Runaways and Strange Love

2005-09-02T11:59:00.000-07:00

My 5 year old just ran away. He's #4 in the line up and the 2nd to run away. He's a beast. Probably better this way. I've missed him all week as he started full day kindergarten this week and he kept me on my toes at home. But with him home all day today I'm thinking I'd better start enjoying my down time a bit more.

Throughout my life I've had certain people become suddenly but quite passionately in love with me. Once, the summer before I started college, I was hanging out with my friend Jamie at the "joint house" in Ann Arbor. It was a co-op type house with what seemed like hundreds of rooms and a big central kitchen. It was in reality two houses joined, hence the name "joint". There was also, ironically, a ton of pot always being smoked in the house. We were high, really high and maybe drunk as well. I left the room we were visiting in order to go say hello to someone else I knew in the house or to pee, can't remember, and I got totally lost. The house had so many hallways and all of these little steps here and there that it was easy to get lost. I'd go down a hall, up a few steps, down another hall, down a few steps, turn...Somehow I ended up in the basement, where I'd never ventured before. At the bottom of the steps and directly opposite me there was a door which at the time appeared to be glowing red. I, naturally, approached it and went in. It was a very small, very dark room. I stumbled over to a bed and there was a guy in it who had just shown up at the house that evening on his motorcycle. He was following the Dead and needed a place to crash for the night and had been graciously given this room. I'd met him earlier getting stoned in someone's room. I think we kissed a bit and then he started to cry and told me a sad, sad story about a woman that he loved but couldn't have as he was following the Dead and was afraid to ask her to go with him. I told him to go for it, you only live once. So he's like, "will you" and I'm like, "what" and he's like, "it's you". I was outta there. I had just met the guy a few hours ago for a few minutes. And he was totally sincere. He LOVED me. I finally found the room I was looking for or didn't, I don't remember. Anyway, we left and I never saw him again.

That was just one time, there are more and I'll tell you later.

Children Beware!

2005-08-31T05:22:00.000-07:00

My kids went back to school two days ago. E and C are starting 7th grade(OMG), H is in 2nd and my little monster, M, is just beginning his career in Kindergarten. Yesterday, day 2, we get a note home about a possible lunatic, kidnapper-type. According to the note the alleged nut was seen hiding in the bushes at the start of school with a video camera and "fled the scene on foot" when approached. At lunch, same thing. The police were notified. At the end of the day a car was seen parked on the street watching the kids at their recess. Again, the person fled when approached. Creepy, Huh?

Now for the clincher. IT WAS ME! Much long laughter follows. I am the crazy stalker. I went on the first day to video my son on his first day of kindergarten. I WAS NOT hiding in the bushes. I was near a bush. Parked with a long line of other parents. When I was through, I got in my car and drove away. I was never approached and certainly never "fled the scene on foot". The lunch time taper turned out to be another mom filming her kid. The strange car watching children at play. Me again. But in your face, it's NOT a Ford Focus, it a Chevy Aveo. Ha! Again, no fleeing.

What has our world come to that a mom can't watch her kids at school without having the fuzz put on her tail? Sad, sad. But hilarious, you gotta admit!

Pity for the Rich and Famous

2005-08-29T06:25:00.000-07:00

Yes, pity. Sometimes, when I'm watching Cribs or The Fabulous Life..., I think, man, I wish I could live like that. What would I buy, where would I live? I wish I could build a $200,000.00 tree fort for my kids. And so on and so forth. But then sometimes, like yesterday, when I'm doing something that I love, I feel sorry for the rich and famous. I have an old, beat up, riding lawn mower and we live on ten acres. We mow down about two of those acres and make paths through another two or three. And I love mowing the lawn. It's so loud and takes so long you can really get some good thinking in. I scream and sing at the top of my lungs. I enjoy the nature around me. I enjoy my solitude and my thoughts. And I think, I'll bet the rich and famous never do this. Poor, poor rich and famous.

Reality

2005-08-17T11:47:00.000-07:00

I admit it. I'm a celeb reality junkie. I loove knowing what those crazy celebs are up to and what they are wearing and where they are living and what nutty names they are giving their kids. Guilty pleasure. But heck yes, I wish I was rich. I wish I could buy my kids each their own kid scale house in the back yard and cars that they can't even drive yet. But I have to take them shopping 2 at a time every pay check and limit what they buy instead. This is my life and for the most part, I chose it. A lot of fame and fortune is luck and who you know. I'm unlucky and don't know anyone. There are also those who are truly talented although I believe this number is much lower. I'm also not so big in the tlaent department. At least not saleable talent. And again, laziness.

Right now I'm hooked on Austen and Seth. Love Seth. Used to be a raging drunk myself and rude and obnoxious to boot. I was kind of a female Seth. But smart. Austen I loved for his intellect although turns out he's not as deep as was portrayed on Kept. Disappointing.

I used to be able to down 4 Boones Farms in a row. With my enabling friends chanting my name in the background. I'd drink the 5th bottle at my leisure. I was blacking out when I was 18. One night, at Eastern, I was so drunk I climbed out of a 3rd story window at the end of the dorm hallway and was dangling by my fingertips. Luckily 2 of my drunk friends (my only friend Todd included) heard my yells and yanked me back into safety. I remember hanging there but I don't remember why. Later that night I got really pissed at Matt Blash and stormed off and drove all the way home to Jackson totally wasted.

Hello

2005-08-14T11:48:00.000-07:00

Yikes! My first blog. I'm so modern. Seriously, I have been wanting to share my exciting life with the world for an age in the form of a novel but I'm way to unmotivated and lazy for that shit so here I am. One blog at a time my life will unfold. Let's begin in the present day. I am indeed a "housewife" and yes, psychotic. I am 35 in chrono years but my mind still can't bend around that figure and most days I still can't believe I'm not 23 anymore. I'm in the midst of my second marriage. We have 3 kids. I had 2 in my first marriage and 1 in between, the rebound baby. So, ladies and gents, that totals 6. Six kids, hence the housewifery. I was a Special Ed. teacher through the first 3 but then gave up at 4 and started staying home. Which suits me as I was not kidding about being lazy. A curse of my generation. My family just moved from suburban Detroit to the middle of nowhere last year. Which also suits me as I hate people and can completely isolate myself now. I am the most intelligant and charismatic person you'd ever want to meet. I have fascinated many. But you'll never meet me face to face so blog on.